Archie's Computer
by Jemascola
Summary: The year is 1981, two years after All in the Family ended. Archie decides to keep up with the times and buy a computer.
1. An Advance to the Future

Archie's Computer

A/N: I don't own IBM, Microsoft, Windows XP, Windows Vista, or any other copyrighted major products corporations.

Chapter 1: An Advance to the Future

Stephanie, the Jewish girl that stayed with the Bunkers beginning in 1978, left the Bunker residence 3 years later to move in with another family relative. With Stephanie gone, as well as the absence of Mike and Gloria Stivick, this meant that Archie and Edith Bunker were all alone in their house.

They had friends and neighbors, but things still got lonely in the house. Everything seemed so boring. While the Stivicks and Stephanie were present, there was so much excitement and commotion that the Bunkers didn't concentrate much on how very little had changed in their house. Looking back, practically nothing had changed in their house over the past decade. Archie still had his same, beloved chair, they had their same bed, same clothes, same refrigerator, same books, same tables, same you name it! They did get a new color television, but that was about it.

One day, Archie was sitting in his chair watching the news and smoking a cigar. An ad flashed on the screen.

"Are you tired of living in the past? Are you bored? Do you want to accelerate your life and move to the future?" the corny narrator asked.

"Boy, you're tellin' me," Archie said.

"Then what you need is…AN IBM COMPUTER!"

Archie raised his eyebrow in wonder. "Computer, huh?"

"That's right, an IBM computer! It can do it all! You can do word processing, store databases, make graphical presentations, and even some programming with command, executive, and batch files!" the announcer said. On the screen, a picture of the 1981 IBM PC appeared on the screen. Green text glowed on it.

"Whaaat?" Archie half-yelled, sounding confused. "What's that mean?"

"You're probably asking, 'what does all this mean?'" the announcer said.

"Shaddup," Archie talked back to the announcer.

"Well, folks, the IBM is really simple to use once you get the hang of it. And did we mention, you can even play games on it! Go out to your local mall and purchase an IBM computer today!" the announcer exclaimed. Then, a deep voice mumbled the words on the fine print, which appeared at the bottom of the screen. "Requires one 5.25 inch floppy disk to load operating system. Average user may find computer not user-friendly. Computer not a multi-tasking machine. Use carefully."

At that moment, Edith ran into the room from the kitchen. "Aaahhhchiieee!" she yelled.

Archie turned his head and looked at Edith in a strange way. "_What!_" he snapped.

"I heard something from the neighbors about this thing called a computer. You can type stuff with it, and play games, and –"

"I know 'dat, Edith!" Archie said. "I just saw all that on the TV here. It sounds like a real good invention there, the computer. Come on, Edith, let's go to the mall and buy us one of them things."

"Oh, but Archie, those things must be really expensive," Edith said.

"Edith, they can't be that expensive," Archie told her. "Besides, things are too boring around here. We need a computer."

Archie and Edith walked down the street and took the subway to the mall. When they arrived there, they went to the electronics section. They looked around in amazement. They felt alienated among all the new TVs. None of them were made of wood or ran on tubes. They all had black plastic frames and had solid-state circuitry. They also had buttons rather than knobs. There were even some square boxes called videocassette recorders that had really large buttons that opened a slot for video tapes to be put in. The Bunkers felt outdated and out of place in the modernized store.

"Wh-wh-where are we, Archie?" Edith asked, sounding a bit scared. "Everything's so different than it used to be."

"It's the future, Edith. We'll just have to get used to it, that's all," Archie said. He then walked up to a salesman with a yellow checkered suit.

"Hello, how may I help you?" the salesman asked.

"Yeah, buddy, we're looking for a computer," Archie said.

"Oh…a computer, huh?" the salesman asked. "Not many people ask for those. You two must be really rich!"

Edith looked at Archie in an uncertain way, but Archie just flapped his hand to buzz her off. "Where are they?" Archie asked.

"Right this way," the salesman said, leading Archie and Edith to a little stand with a few IBM machines. They had large beige screens with glowing green text. There were images of the IBM logo on the screens, and there were blinking cursors. The computers all hummed together.

"Oh my…" Edith gasped. "I haven't seen anything like this before."

Archie gave Edith a funny look. "Of **course** you haven't, Edith. That's because it's a _new invention_." He turned to the salesman. "So, my good friend, how much for one of these things?"


	2. Disks, Drives, and Operating Systems

Chapter 2: Disks, Drives, and Operating Systems

Archie grumbled as Edith and he walked into the house. "I can't believe that computer cost us $5,000!"

"I told you they'd be expensive," Edith warned.

"Oh, it don't matter. We put it on credit, anyway. Besides, we need this thing to take us to the future," Archie said. He carried the computer box inside and placed it on the floor. "I'll go to the basement real quick," he said. He went down to the basement and returned with an old wooden desk, which he positioned by the window. He moved the couch out of the way and placed it on another wall where there was free space. Archie took the computer out of the box and read the instructions on how to hook it up. "Okay, so I plug wire A into the toy-minal, and then, I plug wire B into the bottom thing here, and then the other end goes into the TV screen here, and then wire C goes from the bottom thing into the wall outlet. **_What_**!" Archie complained. "That thing didn't make the least bit sense!"

Edith looked at the computer. "Archie, we didn't need a new TV. We've already got one. Besides, I thought we got a computer."

Archie glared at Edith. "This **_is_** the computer, dingbat! It's just the screen that let's you see stuff!"

"Ohhhhhh…" Edith said, sounding marveled. "Have you got it working yet, Archie?"

Archie showed all the loose wires snaked around the table and the computer parts in disarray. "Does it LOOK like it's working yet? Huh?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, Archie. I'll leave ya alone until you get it working."

"Get me a beer, will ya, Edith?"

"Oh, sure, Archie!" Edith said, going into the kitchen.

"Stupid dingbat," Archie muttered as he continued to read the instructions, still trying to figure out how to set up the computer.

One hour later, Archie finally figured out how to set up the computer, and he was ready to use it. Edith stood by, waiting to see the amazing new invention. Archie flipped the switch, and the computer made a loud whirring noise. The computer did nothing for a while. The cursor appeared but did nothing. Archie tried to type things in, but nothing appeared on the screen. "THAT'S **_IT_**?" he exploded. "We bought a $5,000 computer, and all it can do is **_THAT_**!"

"I told you not to buy it, Archie," Edith said.

"Shut up, Edith," Archie said. At that moment, a message appeared on the screen. "Missing operating system," Archie read. "What the hell's an operating system?"

"Archie, I found this disk that says operating system on it," Edith said.

"Gimme that!" Archie snapped, snatching the disk from Edith. He looked at it for a moment, and then put it in the disk drive. He then pressed enter on the keyboard. He heard the disk clicking away and loading inside. In an instant, the IBM logo appeared on the screen, and the cursor appeared at the bottom. Archie typed, "Get me a beer." At the bottom of the screen, the message, "Bad command or file name" appeared. "What the hell is this?" Archie wondered. "I told it to get me a beer." He typed it in again, only to have the same error message show up.

"Maybe you can ask it nicely," Edith suggested. Archie looked at Edith with a funny expression, but decided to try her idea anyway. The computer still gave the same error message.

"This darned machine!" Archie thundered, and hit it.

"Oh, Archie, here's some more disks. They say Lotus and WordStar on them," Edith said.

"Let me put in the Lotus thing here," Archie said. He put the Lotus disk into the other drive. He then saw the letter A next to the cursor and figured that was the drive letter. He typed B: and pressed enter. The disk in the other drive loaded, and then, Archie typed in Lotus. The program loaded, and asked Archie if he wanted to use the database. Archie pressed "Y" for yes. But then, the program shut down, and the computer froze. Archie yelled louder than he'd ever yelled before.


	3. TwentyFive Years Later

Chapter 3: Twenty-Five Years Later

Archie and Edith were much older at this point. Back in 1981, Archie threw his new IBM computer in the garbage, as he could not get it working correctly. From that moment on, he decided that computers were the evilest thing that ever existed, and he vowed never to buy or use one ever again.

It was now 2006, however, and it was harder **_not_** to use a computer. Archie was watching TV, when an advertisement appeared.

"Introducing Microsoft Windows Vista," a voice narrated. "The newest operating system and the descendant from Microsoft Windows XP. Get it on your PC now."

"Here we go again," Archie moaned. "I already said I ain't getting a computer, and I never will."

The narrator said, "But if you can't get Windows Vista on your computer because you don't even have a computer…then you're an old fart."

"Oh, shaddup, you!" Archie shouted.

The End


End file.
